I made friends with someone, who is great and whom I hope I didn't disappoint or upset at all (but I'm sure I did), and then I talked too much, as best I can tell. Maybe it's just because "Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble" is so bad—I don't know; we haven't talked since I posted it, which I guess was in March. (I don't want to look that up.) I kept trying to talk to her and now I think she blocked me (see below). I feel it's important to note she never said "hey stop that" or "you're talking too much!" or "stop talking to me" or anything else helpful or instructive, or anything at all; The last message I got from her—email notification (because I can't access the PM thing on FanFiction.net; see below) dated 19 March—said she was on holiday and didn't have wifi and told me not to worry. I'm not complaining or trying to blame anything on her, just trying to represent what happened truthfully, if my phrasing makes sense/isn't too messy. I don't keep a journal so I only have my memory to go by, with the occasional email backup as backing. That's part of the reason I'm doing this; I'll probably think of her weeks from now and wonder WTF?!? again, as I have many times since we last sort of actively talked, and memory deteriorates quickly and isn't as good as people think it is.
Now I sort of don't know what's true anymore. I didn't get a "you've been blocked, fucker" message; I just now went to PM her and got a red you-fail-at-life-&-socializing-&-probably-emotional-intelligence-while-we're-at-it message saying I couldn't PM her. This'll be a publicly-accessible (?) journal entry but I don't mean it as an airing of grievances or anything, I'm just letting out my feelings about an internet thing on the internet. I can't say to people I know or talk to in real life, "ah I fucked up I'm a bad friend!" and I don't know how to explain fanfiction sites stuff to people. I guess I could just say "on Facebook." (One of the times I looked her up hoping to see a post on some site saying something like "this dumb guy's talking too much Ima block him!" I found her Facebook. So that would be an oversimplification. I would've liked to friend her, or however that's verbed.) I just wish I'd been a good friend and not talked too much and I'm mad at myself and disappointed. I think every couple days I tried messaging her again to ask what was up and stuff like that—I can't even access the past PMs between us to see what I said, inbox or outbox, dammit. That's a dammit at myself. It was clearly stupid to keep messaging her. I don't know what I should've done, but I'm pretty sure it was not that. I don't know what it came off like, probably stupid and desperate or needy, or something. That's not where I was coming from, I just wanted to keep talking to her, I guess? Eventually I must've forgot what I was trying to do. I'm an idiot. One of my faults is I'm not always aware of what things I do or say will look like to other people. On the internet it's probably worse. Anyway maybe what I should've done was not say anything at all for a while. I don't know. I'm not good at this. I never said the right thing. I'll assume everything I said is all wrong; I feel like I did everything wrong I possibly could've because she didn't/hasn't/probably won't ever actually tell me what I did wrong. Sorry for being repetitive, I'm just not sure how to put it. Maybe I was too relaxed. I don't know. I screwed up. Maybe it's best I can't look back on what I said and linger on it or obsess or something. I don't know. Whatever I did I don't want to do it again to her or anyone else.
If anyone sees this (you can if you want, but I don't think anybody'll read it) feel free to comment, I guess, in general? Or if you know her or something. An ex of hers contacted me back when she was still talking with me; I'll contact her again to say "I done fucked up! now she's ignoring me. whoops I suck at life" and ask if they've talked since back then to try to find out where I went wrong. I'll try to keep that message short.
The full title is “Goodsprings Scorpion Scramble; or, Fun with Weapons.” Links below. It’s long, though, about 51,000 words. You probably won’t want to read the whole thing.
Source links below. I kind of made this. I combined three things for it in Photoshop, basically. The background is a photograph of the Hippocratic Corpus from Wikipedia (unscaled), and from Fallout 3/Fallout: New Vegas the Powder Gangers’ PIP-Boy reputation icon and a radscorpion’s Gamebryo model, plus a plus sign.
The Powder Ganger rep icon is only 241x241 pixels so the image’s full resolution is what I have here, a mere 300x450. I don’t like to work that low-rez, but I couldn’t think of another way to make this work. I love Vault Boy, and PIP-Boy icons in general, and wanted to use the Powder Gangers’ for this rather than like an ending slide of theirs. I don’t know how to vector stuff like that (yet. YET!), so I just made the rest of the work fit that. I shrunk the radscorpion render thing.
Font: Gothic 821 Condensed Bold Text (“Cn BT”), aka the Fallout font, size 60, drop shadow, anti-aliased, smooth. I don’t remember where to find the font online.
Program: Adobe Photoshop CS5 Extended, version 12, x64
Color space: sRGB IEC61966-2.1
I’ll post the story to AO3 and here when I get around to it, hopefully soon. I just started posting it on the kink meme and FanFiction.net. Yesterday, I think.
- FFn: www.fanfiction.net/s/11111278/…
- Kink meme (original): Prompt: falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.co… My story (because of the way I nested it, I have to link to the too-long A/N. Sorry. Just skip that.): falloutkinkmeme.livejournal.co…
- Background: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Vat…
- Powder Gangers’ rep: fallout.gamepedia.com/File:Pow…
- Radscorpion: fallout.gamepedia.com/File:Rad…
Let me know if any of the links don’t work. Fallout Gamepedia image-file-page links are weird.
I desperately wish I could draw, but I can't; I'm absolute rubbish at it. Once I start posting fanfic "literature" to FanFiction.net I'll be dual- or maybe it's called simul-posting it here as well.|
I'm sorry if it's weird that I like women and sort of erotica and boobs and stuff. I can't help it. Sometimes I favorite things which I find just amazingly beautiful. I'm sorry to say this to people interested more or only in that first bit, but I also favorite smut, things that titillate. So . . . yeah. Thanks for the visit!
I'll list stuff that I like in a meaningful way sometime when I know this site better; For the time being: I love Saeko from "Highschool of the Dead" (I've seen the anime but I like the manga better, and "Parasite Eve" and Aya Brea, I love the "Dead Space" games and sometimes Isaac Clarke and Nicole Brennan but haven't played #3 yet, I love some but not all of "Final Fantasy" (the series/franchise) and for whatever reason often Lightning in particular (Maybe it's the pink hair and that she's a warrior?), I love breasts (Sorry.) and often legs (Also sorry; but I can't help it, and neither can you!); I'm not -way- into anime but I love, generally, anime and manga too.
Lately I've been kind of into the Fallout series (especially Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas), and The Elder Scrolls series (most especially "V: Skyrim").